Sunday, August 18, 2013

Bed Rest

I've been in the hospital since Wednesday afternoon...almost 4 full days.  I have a big window in my room and get to see the blue sky and trees across the way, but I haven't been outside since I parked my car at the doctor's office at 1:25pm on Wednesday.  I've seen the girls for a total of 4 hours in the last 96 hours - that's hard when you are a stay at home mom and see them 24/7 typically.  That's probably been one of the hardest things.

I'm allowed to sit up and read or watch TV, but my blood pressure has been sporadic, so when it's a little high, I have to lay down in bed again.  I've been lying down A LOT.  Sometimes it's nice - I've gotten quite a few naps - and other times it drives me crazy.  I'm not one to just sit and chill for days on end.  Sure, the girls and I have pajama days at home where we stay in all day, but I still get to move around, play with them and do other things around the house.  I don't have those options here.  I have my computer and some books, but even that can be a little too much for me and my crazy blood pressure.  And let's not forget that hospital beds are nothing like your own bed or couch, so that adds to the annoyance. Lying down too much has always caused me to have headaches, so I've had my share of minor headaches in the last 4 days.  Luckily I'm in a hospital and they will gladly give me the medicine I need to get rid of the headache, but they are still annoying. 

I've had several friends message me and tell me that they've been where I am and have had hospital bed rest too with their pregnancies.  A couple of them have had to be in the hospital for 3 weeks!  I don't know how they did it!  I'm at day 4 and it's driving me crazy.  I'd like to say that I'm "happy" to be doing this for Miranda and her growth.  I'd like to think I'm not selfish at all when it comes to my children and their needs versus my needs, but this bed rest makes it hard to believe that.  Every hour I go back and forth with thoughts like this:
  • I'll do this for as long as Miranda needs me to
  • She's 33 weeks, she'll be fine in the NICU for a couple of weeks
  • Miranda needs this time
  • I need to go home
  • Oh good, my blood pressure is down, Miranda has another few hours
  • Oh good, my blood pressure is up, the end is in sight.
It's HARD.  It's hard laying here.  It's hard thinking those thoughts.  It's hard being selfish.  But most of all, it's hard knowing I can't do anything.  I mean, I know I can lay still and do bed rest, but I can't make it all better.  My body has a disease that is going to continue to progress even with medicine and so all we can do is play risk assessment between my health and the baby's future health.  We are on a see-saw right now and I guess when we final level off, then we'll get to meet Miranda.

I spoke with my doctor a little while ago and we have a plan for the next couple of days while we wait.  Tomorrow, I get an ultrasound to make sure Miranda's fluids are all ok and then Wednesday we start all of my labs again to check my health progress.  In the mean time, we just wait and check my blood pressure every couple of hours.  Wait, pray, wait, pray.  That's all I can do...so I will.

2 comments:

  1. Wow, that's sounds really hard. I understand what you were saying about the see-saw emotions. You want what's best for Miranda...but laying still must be so frustrating! Hopefully, you'll get good news tomorrow and Wednesday.

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  2. I know your pain and anxiety and fears all too well! It is SUCH a see-saw!!! And don't feel bad for any of those feelings - they are normal! I remember laying there feeling the exact same way... having rational thoughts and crazy thoughts the next second. You are in my constant prayers!!! Hang in there! :)

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